a year in the life
day 13: your favorite quote

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.- Viktor E. Frankl

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day 12: the best advice you’ve ever heard, or ever been given

Wow, I think probably to sleep on it? Making fast decisions and rash statements has always been a problem for me. I guess if I took time to think and digest things, I wouldn’t regret everything as much. 

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day 11: the worst advice you’ve ever heard, or ever been given

The very worst thing someone can tell me when I’m sad is ‘suck it up’ or ‘just forget about it’. It’s crucial for me to feel the feeling; really engross myself in it and then whatever happens afterward, happens. I don’t know, it’s kind of stupid because that can be considered a good piece of advice as well. I guess it’s just personal for me. 

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day 10: what you think when you hear the words “be yourself”

I generally think that the sentiment is nice but impractical. If I was ‘myself’ I wouldn’t have friends. People socialize in order to fill a certain need: i.e. people have friends they gossip with, they get drunk with, they confide in etc. I’m not a suitable fit for any of these things, so I kinda put up a front. I thinks its natural- I want people to want me, so I give them what they’re looking for. If I were to be myself, I’d just be quieter, less socially active and more self-absorbed (if that’s even possible). Point is, I wouldn’t have anything to offer my friends. They would have absolutely no reason to hangout with me. Anyway, when someone tells me to be myself, I appreciate the thought, but generally think it’s bullshit. 

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day 9: things that make you happy

I would say certain books and film, feeling inspired and being reassured in a not fake way.

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day 8: things that make you sad

Hah- That makes it sound like a finite list. I make myself sad above all else in my perspective of life. Some of my triggers are the past, social interactions, therapy, lack of male attention, fighting with my parents & best friends, what I said yesterday, actually having friends (like, sometimes better than not having them but really anxiety provoking), and thinking about myself and my life. I’m just generally upset that I’m me. I kind of suck. External stuff that gets me down would be like watching Dead Poets, passing comments on my personality, The Smiths, and sexual indifference. I’m sad 90% of the time. I’m just really insecure and white girl. I’ll shut up. 

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day 7: a show or a movie that has changed you, and how

Wow. Okay, where to begin. My absolute favorite movie of all time is Dead Poets Society and it is so full of passion and love- I cry every time. I think it really gave me this great perspective on life, and how to reap joy from the things you love.

Another is Rushmore, which I just love because-Wes Anderson(not to mention The Royal Tenenbaums). I love stupid things like The Science of Sleep,Fight Club, Reality Bites and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off on the same level. God I know I’m forgetting so much. The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou, Schindler’s List (which I watched recently and was heartbroken), Wayne’s World god bless.

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day 6: something you would like to change about yourself

Oh god. Can I say everything? I hate my personality and the way I interact socially. I say the stupidest things, and I try above all else to be funny because that’s the only thing I can deliver on. I’m not functional in any sort of emotional relationship, so I resort to shallow, superficial communication. I’m constantly thinking about comments made by ex & current friends, and trying to make up for what I’m lacking. At least I’m (poorly) hiding it, right? Another one would be my body: I have terrible fat distribution. I’m constantly bloated in my stomach and flat in my chest. My face is oddly shaped and has regular acne. I’m generally oily and tired looking. I hate that about me as well: I’m sinking to the ‘should be social norm’. I know it and I can’t stop it. Also my voice has this disgusting nasally tone and I sound too masculine. My hands and feet are the opposite of dainty, being fat and repulsive and I have weird, and awkwardly shaped scars. I wish I didn’t feel like that and I was more confident overall, but facing the facts, I don’t really deserve it. I mean, I’m so far gone and pathetic it would be a waste to even put any effort into bettering myself. So, I’m resigned to it, I guess. Whatever.    

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day 5: something you would change about the world

*Braces self for internet users worldwide* 

Seriously though, if I could change one thing- at least on the subject of modern, non-political issues- I would get rid to the internet. Don’t get me wrong, I love a four bar wi-fi just as much as the next teenage girl, but it’s become more than convience. If it’s done anything to society, it’s given a platform for easily accessed information. So great right? You get all your study notes from one web page. We don’t have to fight for facts anymore. There is no value to a book or a university professor because it’s all right there at our fingertips. I’m not even delving into the social justice of ‘tabloid’ culture and the effect it has on self/social compassion and the human psyche! Point is, it’s ruining intellectual function no matter how you put it, and my generation is lacking crucial life skills due to internet access. 

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day 4: how you think your life would change if you achieved your dream

My dream is to feel really satisfied. I don’t necessarily mean happy, just content. I want to feel okay with myself and my life and my actions, even just for a second. If I was actually able to achieve that, my entire personality would have room to grow and change and become what it should be. I’d have the confidence to say what I think and know that I don’t need anyone to agree or like me because I like me. 

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